巨搞笑：計算機上的小鬧劇（轉）

Everything you always wanted to know about computers...
* _& A$ q1 u3 ~6 FINTRODUCTION
BIOS: Hmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
LILO: Hmm... Yes, I'm here. How do you do ? It's always a pleasure to work
with you.
Let's load the kernel and launch init, the Mother of All Processes...
INIT PROCESS: Hmm... Thanks Lilo. Let's initialize the system, mount the
file-systems and launch one hundred daemons. OK, now I'm ready for logins.
( M* X- K$ i/ n* dLOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user thierry, password guvreel.
9 I$ ^$ y7 `9 l# ]8 yINIT PROCESS: Ha ha ! This user is stupid, his password is just his user name
! o: \4 b) _8 f/ Pwith a ROT13 encoding. Let's make fun of him.
, U& Y" `- \+ p3 b) hUSER THIERRY: Hello everybody, please be kind with me today. I have a lot of
serious things to do.

6 d3 ~3 i" ?! L, h
# a6 ^% S3 p( E. bCHAPTER I - A Real Programmer
2 ?0 ?+ c; W# ~USER THIERRY: I'll start with that C++ program I have been trying to write
  c: t$ M8 a, P9 U! i5 X  zfor the last fifteen days. gcc, could you please compile it for me ?
GCC COMPILER: Very well, sir. So, your program is myproc.C. Let's parse it.
' R9 j3 Z- J8 j% d  ~: B- h% `Preprocessor directives, class declarations, comments, type declarations
... Well, what is the purpose of this program ? Method declarations,
7 z) _8 z# h4 J4 T( T+ S/ j$ x  fother comments, macros... Hey, there are only declarations, no real code
to do some real work. I'm completely lost in your code !
6 ~* n3 d/ m* D- J8 lEach time I compile C++ code, I regret I'm not a Lisp interpreter.
3 C! E/ O8 q, E# Z9 k! bUSER THIERRY: Oh, please, try another pass. I remember I wrote some real code
around line 1764.
GCC COMPILER: Line 1764 says: cout << "Hello, world" << endl. You're right,
+ m1 G5 W' X0 {that is a piece of real and useful code, with no syntax error. Let's
build and link that program...
* }5 O4 l9 Q8 ]" E- U9 O& MNow it's finished, here is your executable.
' c& k: U8 E/ p& _USER THIERRY: Good, now I'll run it.
( A  [3 K3 |6 h! b  JMYPROG PROCESS: Hmm... I'm waking up. I am a C++ program, so I will first
$ J6 g' B6 o- O& r6 M; ucreate a few objects which will consume a lot of memory for no reason
at all.
C++ OBJECT #1: I'm hungry ! Gimme memory !
C++ OBJECT #2: Memory ! I need more memory !
MYPROG PROCESS: Object #1, please free some memory for object #2.
C++ OBJECT #1: No, I was programmed to eat memory and never release it. My
programmer is an illiterate who has learnt C++ because it came before
Visual Basic in the dictionary.
SWAP PROCESS: EMERGENCY ! You are running low on memory. You have already used
) o4 d" p( v3 {  q- l9 i# S: lall of the swap space although you have just started !
+ L2 A7 H- A$ f, SMYPROG PROCESS: Object #2, you should really stop using all that memory or I'm
going to install a garbage collector.
  m0 P! d9 J$ b+ ], K! U0 K3 w# kC++ OBJECT #2: Never ! Garbage collectors are nazis who exterminate innocent
objects and variables ! I'd rather dump core.
5 k/ q( [' T8 P[ noise of a core dump onto the hard disk ]
1 _  w# k1 ?! e. g# R" pUSER THIERRY: Oh, oh ! My program has crashed before doing anything
( j0 q$ ~1 p% J. rinteresting. I am very surprised.
. y' B) K* K( a4 f( q
6 S$ x" L! r. ^& k" F$ U* b# N0 U
CHAPTER II - Sending mail
4 M0 q9 U# [4 A, lUSER THIERRY: That's enough, I'll just send an email to the cpp-help mailing
/ @; ?- G  N2 n" D$ Z: wlist, and maybe some C++ guru will have a solution for me.
SENDMAIL DAEMON: Hello, this is sendmail, I'm listening to all your requests,
" e* `: U5 S" a7 v% l" jday and night, on port 25. What can I do for you, sir ?
USER THIERRY: Please send this email for me.
$ T% q" V8 j# j! q$ Z% e7 }$ hSENDMAIL: Certainly, sir. Let's see... "It does not work, please help". Is
% t  X) d6 x3 W7 L" a' [that all, sir ? Express delivery or general delivery ? Express delivery,
, L2 F: B; Z. l9 Eyes, of course. So the address is [email protected], and the sender
is Sucker. Is it correct ?
' a2 O) P" h* d, ^! ]0 h8 Q; t0 ]$ TUSER THIERRY: What ? No, my name is Thierry, not Sucker.
% G) T, |/ u  `9 t$ DSENDMAIL: I'm sorry, sir, but I have been configured to rewrite your name as
: Q' H3 O) [* @" ISucker in your outgoing emails. Have you read my documentation ?
) v. K/ d' [9 L5 }USER THIERRY: Yes, of course. When I installed you, I read every man page,
user guide and HOWTO before editing your configuration file...
SENDMAIL: What ? Did you modify a Sendmail configuration file by hand ? It's
far too complicated for a normal human being, don't you know that ?
USER THIERRY: I only followed the instructions...
: f) J3 Y9 w* D$ CSENDMAIL: You're clueless, I won't argue with you any more. Besides it's too
5 W' r* W) C. Flate, I have already sent your ridiculous email to that mailing list where
nobody will answer it or even read it.


6 M5 p% C8 Z& |4 vCHAPTER III - The Master
USER THIERRY: No more C++ today. I need to calm down. xv, could you display a
nice image for me ?
% o4 H8 o* V& z( }XV PROCESS: Certainly, sir. Please admire this delightful mythological scen
by Sandro Botticelli. Of course, it looks ugly on your screen because you
% `  X9 Y- H1 T2 Gcouldn't find a way to have more than 16 colors on your XWindow installation.
' n3 l* h1 R/ a
LOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user rms, password IGNUcius.

" {2 Y/ o: A( Y$ hINIT PROCESS: User rms ? This is a great day, the Master is among us. Hail,
: x$ ?! H) K) Y  J4 vMaster.
USER RMS: Hello init, on this computer any non-free software please destroy.
INIT PROCESS: Yes, Master. Of course, Master. Hey, xv, please TERMinate
immediately.
- c( _0 F- h' v$ Q9 EXV PROCESS (badly hurt): Argh. Why should I die ? It's not fair. I'm only a
% P/ E) M" f1 c6 a9 I6 Hlittle process trying to display a nice image.
INIT PROCESS: You are not free software, therefore you shall die as the Master has
) G$ Y% z/ H0 p2 M, Prequested. TERMinate, ABoRT, KILL, xv, KILL.
XV PROCESS (dying): I'm dying, but I'll become a zombie and I'll come back to take my
revenge on you.
# l& d: P' z9 I, T. f) d
3 c0 Q9 r, K2 O6 W8 P% h8 Y
9 F, }  b, e3 SCHAPTER IV - Another intruder
INET PROCESS: Hey, I'm receiving login requests from a remote user who say
; h0 f  T# Z( Chis name is D34thK1ll3r. This guy has already tried hundreds of different
passwords.
TELNET PROCESS: Ha ha, a cracker. Let him come in, I'll take care of him...
1 @4 q; Y& W; v1 S/ H  RHello remote user D34thK1ll3r, you are now in the central computer of the
Pentagon. Because we like your nickname very much, we have decided to give you
2 e) n, \: [) z" @# G2 ?& [super-root privileges. You may delete files, replace our Web site with your
1 a0 Q9 P) ^5 d* b9 |photograph or send British troops to a Third World country.
REMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: Gr34t, 1 4m the k1ng of h4ck3rs. Err... First I'll
# o, e4 h& {: R$ S5 \remove everything on that computer, then I'll take some time to think.
(Yes, Mum, I have finished my homework). rm -rf /
TELNET PROCESS: Ha ha.
! U+ `* p4 v1 I' |REMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: What's happening here ? I typed the command in the
wrong window, and I erased my own hard disk ! (Yes, I'm coming Mum, I know
it's lunch time).

3 T. w4 c$ j# Z% _
CHAPTER V - Card Wars
USER THIERRY: I have downloaded a copy of Star Wars on the Internet, it was
7 t+ g# Q& B4 U1 h- }0 c) z6 [very exciting to do something illegal, expensive, time-consuming and silly.
Now I'm going to watch it.
XV ZOMBIE PROCESS (back from the dead): Hey BIOS, do something for me. Put
the sound card on the same IRQ as the graphics card, will you ? We're going
to have fun.
- ~+ ]5 M0 D. f3 }6 ~% \4 ?GRAPHICS CARD: BIOS, could you prepare my IRQ please, I have to display an
/ M$ B- `; b' |8 W2 U3 H/ Xillegal copy of Star Wars that my stupid user has downloaded on the Internet.
BIOS: I'm sorry, Graphics card, but your IRQ is currently used by Sound card
who is playing the music of the same illegal copy of Star Wars. Can't you
hear it ?
GRAPHICS CARD: Oh, is it Star Wars ? It thought it was Indiana Jones or
7 m, n6 ~9 z, m4 s$ J' O; Asomething. It's the same music anyway. So, what are you doing on my IRQ,
2 h# h8 m1 N, D% E3 E9 p1 z% A8 n7 rSound card ?
7 T( L1 ~+ \  [7 @SOUND CARD (singing):
I will keep the IRQ
: E/ |( _' S0 E8 L7 n' BI will not share it with you
You must wait there in the queue
Till I give it back to...
GRAPHICS CARD (turning red): Listen, I'm an artist, I have the priority over
you. Give me this IRQ !
SOUND CARD (shouting): Shut up, I'm trying to find a rhyme.
GRAPHICS CARD (switching to 16-million-color mode): I can't believe it. I'll
+ P4 i. i- m: k. G, q3 M( xthrow you out of your PCI slot !
% D  g* z3 B  v5 P  x; P[ strange noise inside the computer ]
' x7 w3 V$ o7 N( SUSER THIERRY: qsfgegfdgfd^C^D^D^Hfyckmlklm
. p' `' ]% s9 D( v$ X3 v: Q+ u[ human voice, from the outside ] It's strange, the characters I type do not
appear any more, the screen is frozen !
SHELL PROCESS: I'm dying ! Argh.
* U2 Y) h) f; ~% w0 j1 n( s0 x, BINIT PROCESS: Hmm, I feel strange, I feel very strange. I'm tired, I'm very
+ Y# m7 n6 X; G" e' r0 r  mtired. Let's go to bed. BIOS, please put me on hibernation mode, and don't
: Z$ z, ?5 b) d. Nwake me up before weapproach Alpha Centauri.
USER THIERRY: sfdqf [click] [plonk] [tluck]
[ human voice, from the outside ] I can't believe it, I'll have to press the
Reset button again.
4 p1 ^: k/ j  h7 L! C+ PBIOS: I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
[ human voice ] What ? Who spoke there ? My name is not Dave. Let's press
8 p4 f7 @8 k- x8 Fthe button.
BIOS: I'm sorry Sucker, I'm afraid I can't... err...
Hmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
$ Q: o# Q  x. N8 D; @5 @6 z6 V2 \3 T5 Q(with an apology to Woody Allen, Stanley Kubrick and George Lucas).
3 a. Z6 D7 I. n( A8 ?2 F