巨搞笑：計算機上的小鬧劇（轉）

Everything you always wanted to know about computers...
9 G. g; Z( R) }8 UINTRODUCTION
% F* I% p* k7 c9 k- w+ pBIOS: Hmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
6 |8 |0 l4 o4 n6 n. ULILO: Hmm... Yes, I'm here. How do you do ? It's always a pleasure to work
, M6 \( J4 Q! K+ X6 g' Rwith you.
$ p) ]7 E# c6 d* ULet's load the kernel and launch init, the Mother of All Processes...
INIT PROCESS: Hmm... Thanks Lilo. Let's initialize the system, mount the
+ W# _  F5 d4 y$ Y6 {# Jfile-systems and launch one hundred daemons. OK, now I'm ready for logins.
% E( o; l$ b; m" h4 ~LOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user thierry, password guvreel.
$ v+ C) L& }* a+ L% ^+ V) ]0 dINIT PROCESS: Ha ha ! This user is stupid, his password is just his user name
with a ROT13 encoding. Let's make fun of him.
USER THIERRY: Hello everybody, please be kind with me today. I have a lot of
serious things to do.
3 A3 l9 @! O4 C9 g0 w+ ^3 \+ ?

) y* \/ C- u( B- G4 L4 yCHAPTER I - A Real Programmer
USER THIERRY: I'll start with that C++ program I have been trying to write
for the last fifteen days. gcc, could you please compile it for me ?
GCC COMPILER: Very well, sir. So, your program is myproc.C. Let's parse it.
Preprocessor directives, class declarations, comments, type declarations
. \# b5 j; a" w... Well, what is the purpose of this program ? Method declarations,
other comments, macros... Hey, there are only declarations, no real code
to do some real work. I'm completely lost in your code !
+ _4 _2 k& W$ x) D- b2 TEach time I compile C++ code, I regret I'm not a Lisp interpreter.
+ R* K, q( E. T- F, [/ }$ }USER THIERRY: Oh, please, try another pass. I remember I wrote some real code
5 j6 t  H; o5 Z6 b8 i" uaround line 1764.
GCC COMPILER: Line 1764 says: cout << "Hello, world" << endl. You're right,
that is a piece of real and useful code, with no syntax error. Let's
build and link that program...
, q$ J  ?2 _* D$ E0 @9 \; c/ [Now it's finished, here is your executable.
, @4 D+ U% ?% W; |# |USER THIERRY: Good, now I'll run it.
MYPROG PROCESS: Hmm... I'm waking up. I am a C++ program, so I will first
6 e, w- K+ A+ b2 s" m; Y0 N( U5 rcreate a few objects which will consume a lot of memory for no reason
at all.
C++ OBJECT #1: I'm hungry ! Gimme memory !
C++ OBJECT #2: Memory ! I need more memory !
MYPROG PROCESS: Object #1, please free some memory for object #2.
C++ OBJECT #1: No, I was programmed to eat memory and never release it. My
programmer is an illiterate who has learnt C++ because it came before
! G; c. u, K, Z& q6 I3 u1 S! PVisual Basic in the dictionary.
; y3 @0 i. }  ^8 g2 W6 ?' C& r% USWAP PROCESS: EMERGENCY ! You are running low on memory. You have already used
. A& m9 ?/ w$ m( R" ]all of the swap space although you have just started !
MYPROG PROCESS: Object #2, you should really stop using all that memory or I'm
going to install a garbage collector.
# |  P  F, ^- s) n( iC++ OBJECT #2: Never ! Garbage collectors are nazis who exterminate innocent
5 `, v  ?" I6 B1 Hobjects and variables ! I'd rather dump core.
[ noise of a core dump onto the hard disk ]
( Q" D' X7 t4 N& U& o* F6 `. nUSER THIERRY: Oh, oh ! My program has crashed before doing anything
interesting. I am very surprised.


CHAPTER II - Sending mail
USER THIERRY: That's enough, I'll just send an email to the cpp-help mailing
7 q6 z5 H. y. qlist, and maybe some C++ guru will have a solution for me.
SENDMAIL DAEMON: Hello, this is sendmail, I'm listening to all your requests,
: B' g' Q& S# f# Mday and night, on port 25. What can I do for you, sir ?
USER THIERRY: Please send this email for me.
SENDMAIL: Certainly, sir. Let's see... "It does not work, please help". Is
that all, sir ? Express delivery or general delivery ? Express delivery,
yes, of course. So the address is [email protected], and the sender
is Sucker. Is it correct ?
8 [* S7 K' h, v* I. p5 W# t5 x9 l7 CUSER THIERRY: What ? No, my name is Thierry, not Sucker.
SENDMAIL: I'm sorry, sir, but I have been configured to rewrite your name as
3 h4 n: h; q  e/ B: @, D7 ZSucker in your outgoing emails. Have you read my documentation ?
USER THIERRY: Yes, of course. When I installed you, I read every man page,
user guide and HOWTO before editing your configuration file...
SENDMAIL: What ? Did you modify a Sendmail configuration file by hand ? It's
far too complicated for a normal human being, don't you know that ?
USER THIERRY: I only followed the instructions...
SENDMAIL: You're clueless, I won't argue with you any more. Besides it's too
late, I have already sent your ridiculous email to that mailing list where
2 p8 {* k* B/ T# ^  i) mnobody will answer it or even read it.

- a. d" a7 o' y, _0 X: X  R
CHAPTER III - The Master
0 f* f$ ~  b( qUSER THIERRY: No more C++ today. I need to calm down. xv, could you display a
nice image for me ?
XV PROCESS: Certainly, sir. Please admire this delightful mythological scen
by Sandro Botticelli. Of course, it looks ugly on your screen because you
6 [. l4 u6 V* Y, ycouldn't find a way to have more than 16 colors on your XWindow installation.
% L* y$ z+ C% D$ h3 w+ Y
! W- ]5 {3 |& O' L, J( Z. m) XLOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user rms, password IGNUcius.

( ]1 `1 K) Y) Y/ A8 h, {INIT PROCESS: User rms ? This is a great day, the Master is among us. Hail,
Master.
# @+ `& \# r6 o' G" x# D( gUSER RMS: Hello init, on this computer any non-free software please destroy.
INIT PROCESS: Yes, Master. Of course, Master. Hey, xv, please TERMinate
immediately.
3 a3 h3 g. f& @4 Y% q/ KXV PROCESS (badly hurt): Argh. Why should I die ? It's not fair. I'm only a
- i* C* A5 Z* m) `! Vlittle process trying to display a nice image.
* Q9 K; I4 t& H1 ~  _& Y: @0 {INIT PROCESS: You are not free software, therefore you shall die as the Master has
requested. TERMinate, ABoRT, KILL, xv, KILL.
XV PROCESS (dying): I'm dying, but I'll become a zombie and I'll come back to take my
' R) j$ j: f1 V- [: O" J; G9 Krevenge on you.
& r  [. K8 M) F+ P0 B
' y$ S: g$ V- g4 a" w- \+ P
( p! G  B+ n0 NCHAPTER IV - Another intruder
INET PROCESS: Hey, I'm receiving login requests from a remote user who say
his name is D34thK1ll3r. This guy has already tried hundreds of different
# _! E; \* V% y+ ]; D6 A' n; p7 n+ Rpasswords.
; \/ ], M$ z0 Y/ y, c/ S$ qTELNET PROCESS: Ha ha, a cracker. Let him come in, I'll take care of him...
Hello remote user D34thK1ll3r, you are now in the central computer of the
+ r& a2 R* L1 \  Y$ ^; FPentagon. Because we like your nickname very much, we have decided to give you
super-root privileges. You may delete files, replace our Web site with your
photograph or send British troops to a Third World country.
REMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: Gr34t, 1 4m the k1ng of h4ck3rs. Err... First I'll
remove everything on that computer, then I'll take some time to think.
(Yes, Mum, I have finished my homework). rm -rf /
TELNET PROCESS: Ha ha.
REMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: What's happening here ? I typed the command in the
* P- g2 n# a$ Swrong window, and I erased my own hard disk ! (Yes, I'm coming Mum, I know
it's lunch time).

0 d4 d. L( a; B# @& d$ X4 q" m& N
0 b& a- q6 S+ _. U8 gCHAPTER V - Card Wars
: p, j; h3 d4 r9 J4 W3 t. oUSER THIERRY: I have downloaded a copy of Star Wars on the Internet, it was
& j/ V5 F& Y2 r- k4 Z+ Svery exciting to do something illegal, expensive, time-consuming and silly.
Now I'm going to watch it.
. H6 z! }) s9 j6 f* CXV ZOMBIE PROCESS (back from the dead): Hey BIOS, do something for me. Put
the sound card on the same IRQ as the graphics card, will you ? We're going
) v% Q+ N  S% S0 A, B, wto have fun.
8 l+ E* ~/ f9 E. V+ jGRAPHICS CARD: BIOS, could you prepare my IRQ please, I have to display an
illegal copy of Star Wars that my stupid user has downloaded on the Internet.
5 u" {5 S5 u) W9 o8 tBIOS: I'm sorry, Graphics card, but your IRQ is currently used by Sound card
who is playing the music of the same illegal copy of Star Wars. Can't you
- ^$ a, F+ s# \' k/ Zhear it ?
* q: T; G) R" MGRAPHICS CARD: Oh, is it Star Wars ? It thought it was Indiana Jones or
+ K9 J' V% m( ]# Gsomething. It's the same music anyway. So, what are you doing on my IRQ,
Sound card ?
4 X6 E- u5 ~$ ]& |# }SOUND CARD (singing):
I will keep the IRQ
' a9 k+ y) H  QI will not share it with you
1 d  e3 U$ w8 z7 p) d+ zYou must wait there in the queue
" \5 q6 A# J8 y) C5 tTill I give it back to...
; p9 E8 ]! ]0 M+ OGRAPHICS CARD (turning red): Listen, I'm an artist, I have the priority over
you. Give me this IRQ !
SOUND CARD (shouting): Shut up, I'm trying to find a rhyme.
  k; s4 z. S0 N' tGRAPHICS CARD (switching to 16-million-color mode): I can't believe it. I'll
* e7 Q! k3 ]' D2 `. athrow you out of your PCI slot !
[ strange noise inside the computer ]
USER THIERRY: qsfgegfdgfd^C^D^D^Hfyckmlklm
! e. b/ R0 l9 c7 t! c4 o% ]/ a[ human voice, from the outside ] It's strange, the characters I type do not
appear any more, the screen is frozen !
SHELL PROCESS: I'm dying ! Argh.
: e0 T( G. {1 S: \INIT PROCESS: Hmm, I feel strange, I feel very strange. I'm tired, I'm very
tired. Let's go to bed. BIOS, please put me on hibernation mode, and don't
$ m1 \; l" `+ f& I7 V* B5 Nwake me up before weapproach Alpha Centauri.
USER THIERRY: sfdqf [click] [plonk] [tluck]
[ human voice, from the outside ] I can't believe it, I'll have to press the
( g. |8 r/ F& ]1 s5 r2 NReset button again.
BIOS: I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
& v9 X+ w8 @$ I6 }8 t' i[ human voice ] What ? Who spoke there ? My name is not Dave. Let's press
- B4 x+ g7 \2 H" ~$ B( R8 s# \the button.
BIOS: I'm sorry Sucker, I'm afraid I can't... err...
3 l0 E& Z9 C! j5 l: X* G8 v/ ~: eHmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
$ H6 U- Y- S; ^; C* k" Z0 H(with an apology to Woody Allen, Stanley Kubrick and George Lucas).