巨搞笑：計算機上的小鬧劇（轉）

Everything you always wanted to know about computers...
INTRODUCTION
BIOS: Hmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
LILO: Hmm... Yes, I'm here. How do you do ? It's always a pleasure to work
with you.
8 P1 D% _5 R3 Z  B7 q5 N2 [) ]' WLet's load the kernel and launch init, the Mother of All Processes...
! W9 t/ I; i6 S7 bINIT PROCESS: Hmm... Thanks Lilo. Let's initialize the system, mount the
file-systems and launch one hundred daemons. OK, now I'm ready for logins.
/ f/ T" W2 s, O' P2 Y" |LOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user thierry, password guvreel.
INIT PROCESS: Ha ha ! This user is stupid, his password is just his user name
+ O( L0 C; d. y2 n4 z& R; p5 mwith a ROT13 encoding. Let's make fun of him.
4 Q4 [( Z6 C9 }- d9 M6 o! X* ]7 SUSER THIERRY: Hello everybody, please be kind with me today. I have a lot of
% I# X2 Z" w% E! Eserious things to do.

  [& Z1 m! u1 u9 o6 g- _$ w
CHAPTER I - A Real Programmer
USER THIERRY: I'll start with that C++ program I have been trying to write
" f- j% o0 ^6 ^; h' b1 Rfor the last fifteen days. gcc, could you please compile it for me ?
4 j' s9 p& L9 W3 q+ [% |+ X0 iGCC COMPILER: Very well, sir. So, your program is myproc.C. Let's parse it.
' H; j" v* S8 O/ X' \Preprocessor directives, class declarations, comments, type declarations
... Well, what is the purpose of this program ? Method declarations,
9 P4 W, W0 T) }- b; ^other comments, macros... Hey, there are only declarations, no real code
to do some real work. I'm completely lost in your code !
Each time I compile C++ code, I regret I'm not a Lisp interpreter.
USER THIERRY: Oh, please, try another pass. I remember I wrote some real code
around line 1764.
5 \5 w& H: `* Y  DGCC COMPILER: Line 1764 says: cout << "Hello, world" << endl. You're right,
that is a piece of real and useful code, with no syntax error. Let's
0 J8 L+ A9 N1 @6 b8 P; sbuild and link that program...
' [! y7 C! X4 e" Q7 c6 x: Q8 H) MNow it's finished, here is your executable.
( M* l' f: w/ V1 Y: l7 [* m$ yUSER THIERRY: Good, now I'll run it.
MYPROG PROCESS: Hmm... I'm waking up. I am a C++ program, so I will first
create a few objects which will consume a lot of memory for no reason
at all.
" I. l% j, r, u+ QC++ OBJECT #1: I'm hungry ! Gimme memory !
% l7 x# T, A# OC++ OBJECT #2: Memory ! I need more memory !
MYPROG PROCESS: Object #1, please free some memory for object #2.
9 f9 y1 `% j3 X, F  XC++ OBJECT #1: No, I was programmed to eat memory and never release it. My
programmer is an illiterate who has learnt C++ because it came before
Visual Basic in the dictionary.
SWAP PROCESS: EMERGENCY ! You are running low on memory. You have already used
; I# {) R/ Y& ~6 p$ M% k' Rall of the swap space although you have just started !
MYPROG PROCESS: Object #2, you should really stop using all that memory or I'm
0 K  k+ `5 m2 G3 A) n' Pgoing to install a garbage collector.
6 M; c, _4 \6 y7 I/ C' N" OC++ OBJECT #2: Never ! Garbage collectors are nazis who exterminate innocent
objects and variables ! I'd rather dump core.
[ noise of a core dump onto the hard disk ]
+ D- a# W: }- g/ MUSER THIERRY: Oh, oh ! My program has crashed before doing anything
. M, u9 D5 ^3 N$ Q1 H' ginteresting. I am very surprised.

9 L; v" R! |# z' K2 g
3 L  D* I! ?: u4 ?/ ^CHAPTER II - Sending mail
USER THIERRY: That's enough, I'll just send an email to the cpp-help mailing
' A! O0 X/ m1 p1 J( {! Y$ G# Tlist, and maybe some C++ guru will have a solution for me.
SENDMAIL DAEMON: Hello, this is sendmail, I'm listening to all your requests,
1 r: s# Z0 u4 v( l- n$ h0 B2 aday and night, on port 25. What can I do for you, sir ?
USER THIERRY: Please send this email for me.
- m% I" E- N3 B/ g2 K1 aSENDMAIL: Certainly, sir. Let's see... "It does not work, please help". Is
+ N2 r% C: m- L1 ^* mthat all, sir ? Express delivery or general delivery ? Express delivery,
/ }! B! d9 j4 byes, of course. So the address is [email protected], and the sender
) i- @8 y3 ~9 k7 m& Y+ a& |5 |is Sucker. Is it correct ?
! e8 n1 @/ D, o9 S* p2 U, sUSER THIERRY: What ? No, my name is Thierry, not Sucker.
2 r. F8 n+ y. ^9 q' \3 d9 K. h/ jSENDMAIL: I'm sorry, sir, but I have been configured to rewrite your name as
Sucker in your outgoing emails. Have you read my documentation ?
USER THIERRY: Yes, of course. When I installed you, I read every man page,
# F& X2 {; I4 K4 K) Ouser guide and HOWTO before editing your configuration file...
SENDMAIL: What ? Did you modify a Sendmail configuration file by hand ? It's
far too complicated for a normal human being, don't you know that ?
USER THIERRY: I only followed the instructions...
SENDMAIL: You're clueless, I won't argue with you any more. Besides it's too
late, I have already sent your ridiculous email to that mailing list where
nobody will answer it or even read it.

( I3 i! w) m# {1 V# \0 I) J; O$ |
; R( n& e9 H9 b) ^- b! E( L* s: PCHAPTER III - The Master
) z- n+ t2 U6 }+ Z$ v/ E# x. TUSER THIERRY: No more C++ today. I need to calm down. xv, could you display a
4 }0 x  C9 ~! O7 \8 U$ wnice image for me ?
XV PROCESS: Certainly, sir. Please admire this delightful mythological scen
by Sandro Botticelli. Of course, it looks ugly on your screen because you
- ]" J5 S: b8 m. Lcouldn't find a way to have more than 16 colors on your XWindow installation.
1 r% m- A9 C# U* J5 M0 L8 H6 K8 t
! V  z6 H, I  W+ U3 w. X( PLOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user rms, password IGNUcius.

2 O0 @0 m7 q: WINIT PROCESS: User rms ? This is a great day, the Master is among us. Hail,
Master.
3 R7 k6 R& N. v! _" e& sUSER RMS: Hello init, on this computer any non-free software please destroy.
INIT PROCESS: Yes, Master. Of course, Master. Hey, xv, please TERMinate
" g. r/ z7 s6 \6 \immediately.
XV PROCESS (badly hurt): Argh. Why should I die ? It's not fair. I'm only a
little process trying to display a nice image.
INIT PROCESS: You are not free software, therefore you shall die as the Master has
8 _7 H+ o- O6 O9 ~requested. TERMinate, ABoRT, KILL, xv, KILL.
XV PROCESS (dying): I'm dying, but I'll become a zombie and I'll come back to take my
! M2 N3 \! T! o& n; W$ g+ ^, n( zrevenge on you.
/ R! j/ o4 p" Z" D- I- R
+ L$ U0 @0 N. b' w+ d4 X+ x
# b: T- P. W( F! O4 [4 v* fCHAPTER IV - Another intruder
INET PROCESS: Hey, I'm receiving login requests from a remote user who say
his name is D34thK1ll3r. This guy has already tried hundreds of different
& H' p* {: q; T) n& C, w) L+ h9 R" k* Fpasswords.
TELNET PROCESS: Ha ha, a cracker. Let him come in, I'll take care of him...
$ L5 _# [3 m% f5 ?: M2 Z- fHello remote user D34thK1ll3r, you are now in the central computer of the
. |/ M& t1 l7 E0 k' ?Pentagon. Because we like your nickname very much, we have decided to give you
8 B' P; P/ i, x( x9 b/ N# v/ Lsuper-root privileges. You may delete files, replace our Web site with your
photograph or send British troops to a Third World country.
REMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: Gr34t, 1 4m the k1ng of h4ck3rs. Err... First I'll
' {' D* T( v* Cremove everything on that computer, then I'll take some time to think.
; C, u- R$ M# i) O' L8 ?1 p(Yes, Mum, I have finished my homework). rm -rf /
TELNET PROCESS: Ha ha.
  C4 z& N8 g% l  A: V/ e& zREMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: What's happening here ? I typed the command in the
% c1 L2 `6 B' K/ uwrong window, and I erased my own hard disk ! (Yes, I'm coming Mum, I know
2 K3 v. Q# k9 j! {; l, J* dit's lunch time).


CHAPTER V - Card Wars
' a4 d9 f' c% iUSER THIERRY: I have downloaded a copy of Star Wars on the Internet, it was
- I- p4 I- x: r2 U. y+ ^very exciting to do something illegal, expensive, time-consuming and silly.
: L: w4 W! e0 L$ Y) n( xNow I'm going to watch it.
0 i2 D0 g+ D% h( P: nXV ZOMBIE PROCESS (back from the dead): Hey BIOS, do something for me. Put
the sound card on the same IRQ as the graphics card, will you ? We're going
to have fun.
GRAPHICS CARD: BIOS, could you prepare my IRQ please, I have to display an
& Y0 j) e" w( `8 m6 s: Z5 c  w2 }illegal copy of Star Wars that my stupid user has downloaded on the Internet.
BIOS: I'm sorry, Graphics card, but your IRQ is currently used by Sound card
" M( ~, e. ^  b& ~8 ~3 D7 rwho is playing the music of the same illegal copy of Star Wars. Can't you
hear it ?
( m6 v3 D* T3 d6 BGRAPHICS CARD: Oh, is it Star Wars ? It thought it was Indiana Jones or
something. It's the same music anyway. So, what are you doing on my IRQ,
0 R: Q% R2 i' C3 l; H6 {Sound card ?
SOUND CARD (singing):
I will keep the IRQ
7 c/ m+ O( I! a8 z" j% |I will not share it with you
You must wait there in the queue
Till I give it back to...
' l/ K: J' H+ e! ]GRAPHICS CARD (turning red): Listen, I'm an artist, I have the priority over
you. Give me this IRQ !
" n0 r; o6 V  S: O. E1 ^* [SOUND CARD (shouting): Shut up, I'm trying to find a rhyme.
4 ?0 c1 O. C6 U% ]7 `4 N# E( OGRAPHICS CARD (switching to 16-million-color mode): I can't believe it. I'll
throw you out of your PCI slot !
[ strange noise inside the computer ]
( U% F* }! A) Q2 F- F& H( S6 R8 P8 S8 fUSER THIERRY: qsfgegfdgfd^C^D^D^Hfyckmlklm
% e3 m  Q# K7 N[ human voice, from the outside ] It's strange, the characters I type do not
appear any more, the screen is frozen !
SHELL PROCESS: I'm dying ! Argh.
: H  R5 K) n) S: H1 m) UINIT PROCESS: Hmm, I feel strange, I feel very strange. I'm tired, I'm very
tired. Let's go to bed. BIOS, please put me on hibernation mode, and don't
wake me up before weapproach Alpha Centauri.
3 D  W2 N6 \% HUSER THIERRY: sfdqf [click] [plonk] [tluck]
0 {& p0 E/ Q8 J[ human voice, from the outside ] I can't believe it, I'll have to press the
Reset button again.
BIOS: I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
[ human voice ] What ? Who spoke there ? My name is not Dave. Let's press
( w6 |) i( d5 J2 w- b" Ithe button.
BIOS: I'm sorry Sucker, I'm afraid I can't... err...
Hmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
) q% J1 p0 {8 ~! X7 B9 }(with an apology to Woody Allen, Stanley Kubrick and George Lucas).
) P3 Y% V+ P/ Y9 J0 z4 m8 R