巨搞笑：計算機上的小鬧劇（轉）

Everything you always wanted to know about computers...
INTRODUCTION
2 ~- R0 n$ r0 B, }BIOS: Hmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
, i2 J# _, I+ |' G  y0 SLILO: Hmm... Yes, I'm here. How do you do ? It's always a pleasure to work
with you.
& p/ F3 d, |2 e0 `+ g. S2 mLet's load the kernel and launch init, the Mother of All Processes...
INIT PROCESS: Hmm... Thanks Lilo. Let's initialize the system, mount the
file-systems and launch one hundred daemons. OK, now I'm ready for logins.
: P8 c5 s8 t  iLOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user thierry, password guvreel.
INIT PROCESS: Ha ha ! This user is stupid, his password is just his user name
% q5 u/ t6 u* \2 m0 \with a ROT13 encoding. Let's make fun of him.
USER THIERRY: Hello everybody, please be kind with me today. I have a lot of
serious things to do.
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CHAPTER I - A Real Programmer
USER THIERRY: I'll start with that C++ program I have been trying to write
6 l/ L( t6 I1 j& r4 m# rfor the last fifteen days. gcc, could you please compile it for me ?
/ Z; y8 N) }, G: n3 {GCC COMPILER: Very well, sir. So, your program is myproc.C. Let's parse it.
  u  }; d# t/ }+ ]Preprocessor directives, class declarations, comments, type declarations
... Well, what is the purpose of this program ? Method declarations,
other comments, macros... Hey, there are only declarations, no real code
, y( Y  _0 g1 F% X, _to do some real work. I'm completely lost in your code !
Each time I compile C++ code, I regret I'm not a Lisp interpreter.
USER THIERRY: Oh, please, try another pass. I remember I wrote some real code
% n% @& t  B' O5 d; caround line 1764.
GCC COMPILER: Line 1764 says: cout << "Hello, world" << endl. You're right,
that is a piece of real and useful code, with no syntax error. Let's
build and link that program...
' X, V; i6 M0 @' C: ?0 ZNow it's finished, here is your executable.
USER THIERRY: Good, now I'll run it.
# k6 r$ `2 B4 [) T  xMYPROG PROCESS: Hmm... I'm waking up. I am a C++ program, so I will first
% [7 y0 K  V. Z) U' ucreate a few objects which will consume a lot of memory for no reason
at all.
C++ OBJECT #1: I'm hungry ! Gimme memory !
C++ OBJECT #2: Memory ! I need more memory !
MYPROG PROCESS: Object #1, please free some memory for object #2.
C++ OBJECT #1: No, I was programmed to eat memory and never release it. My
3 L% ~9 {$ e! Xprogrammer is an illiterate who has learnt C++ because it came before
Visual Basic in the dictionary.
4 {' Q7 k+ t  g; ZSWAP PROCESS: EMERGENCY ! You are running low on memory. You have already used
all of the swap space although you have just started !
MYPROG PROCESS: Object #2, you should really stop using all that memory or I'm
8 ~0 U* r7 Y9 \! {4 K  n# X- ^# Ngoing to install a garbage collector.
# U# g: l0 @8 `6 a1 N, H: dC++ OBJECT #2: Never ! Garbage collectors are nazis who exterminate innocent
objects and variables ! I'd rather dump core.
- h6 u% ^- l3 i' E[ noise of a core dump onto the hard disk ]
USER THIERRY: Oh, oh ! My program has crashed before doing anything
: [/ L. t2 G0 \0 {) Tinteresting. I am very surprised.
) [( Z4 s$ k* F# O% S

( h4 J4 {5 ~7 g& F# d4 gCHAPTER II - Sending mail
USER THIERRY: That's enough, I'll just send an email to the cpp-help mailing
0 T' K" z# i& Y' D8 dlist, and maybe some C++ guru will have a solution for me.
SENDMAIL DAEMON: Hello, this is sendmail, I'm listening to all your requests,
day and night, on port 25. What can I do for you, sir ?
USER THIERRY: Please send this email for me.
SENDMAIL: Certainly, sir. Let's see... "It does not work, please help". Is
" F( h( f3 w& `that all, sir ? Express delivery or general delivery ? Express delivery,
yes, of course. So the address is [email protected], and the sender
is Sucker. Is it correct ?
USER THIERRY: What ? No, my name is Thierry, not Sucker.
SENDMAIL: I'm sorry, sir, but I have been configured to rewrite your name as
Sucker in your outgoing emails. Have you read my documentation ?
( c" K4 S- Z8 E, ^8 s- RUSER THIERRY: Yes, of course. When I installed you, I read every man page,
user guide and HOWTO before editing your configuration file...
' ~. F9 {* d9 xSENDMAIL: What ? Did you modify a Sendmail configuration file by hand ? It's
far too complicated for a normal human being, don't you know that ?
USER THIERRY: I only followed the instructions...
SENDMAIL: You're clueless, I won't argue with you any more. Besides it's too
+ T) Q7 c# e- E9 ^, u, ^late, I have already sent your ridiculous email to that mailing list where
nobody will answer it or even read it.

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) a6 z' V! D& H6 ECHAPTER III - The Master
USER THIERRY: No more C++ today. I need to calm down. xv, could you display a
nice image for me ?
& N: G6 k' a% U# z. z" iXV PROCESS: Certainly, sir. Please admire this delightful mythological scen
by Sandro Botticelli. Of course, it looks ugly on your screen because you
couldn't find a way to have more than 16 colors on your XWindow installation.
4 M% e2 [( m+ E  s/ u6 a
LOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user rms, password IGNUcius.
. M. A& j- [8 \, ?. Z* u
INIT PROCESS: User rms ? This is a great day, the Master is among us. Hail,
Master.
USER RMS: Hello init, on this computer any non-free software please destroy.
8 j+ _, t2 A* b$ l: y  WINIT PROCESS: Yes, Master. Of course, Master. Hey, xv, please TERMinate
7 W+ a' a+ w# c: M7 aimmediately.
XV PROCESS (badly hurt): Argh. Why should I die ? It's not fair. I'm only a
little process trying to display a nice image.
% d3 H' S3 V5 S, vINIT PROCESS: You are not free software, therefore you shall die as the Master has
8 c0 @2 q8 n5 z, Y" M# L: U! Srequested. TERMinate, ABoRT, KILL, xv, KILL.
6 k' V$ S2 `+ c% U, O8 L1 iXV PROCESS (dying): I'm dying, but I'll become a zombie and I'll come back to take my
4 g4 w1 L6 b/ P5 B4 p0 G+ Grevenge on you.

5 s$ |( M( I2 j5 V; P$ X, e
CHAPTER IV - Another intruder
INET PROCESS: Hey, I'm receiving login requests from a remote user who say
his name is D34thK1ll3r. This guy has already tried hundreds of different
; s" _. g0 e$ P; Gpasswords.
, ]: E+ O! @+ l5 D' YTELNET PROCESS: Ha ha, a cracker. Let him come in, I'll take care of him...
Hello remote user D34thK1ll3r, you are now in the central computer of the
+ z& s9 J" i/ B( @. s$ \; K8 e. u* ~7 mPentagon. Because we like your nickname very much, we have decided to give you
super-root privileges. You may delete files, replace our Web site with your
photograph or send British troops to a Third World country.
REMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: Gr34t, 1 4m the k1ng of h4ck3rs. Err... First I'll
remove everything on that computer, then I'll take some time to think.
2 A# {3 q2 m3 t& I; A( k# s& N(Yes, Mum, I have finished my homework). rm -rf /
TELNET PROCESS: Ha ha.
REMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: What's happening here ? I typed the command in the
$ Z1 B7 O2 u, ^; U- ewrong window, and I erased my own hard disk ! (Yes, I'm coming Mum, I know
; @; J! }- _8 Lit's lunch time).
3 Q5 c7 K5 Z6 o

& b8 h# S; O5 B8 m3 x3 J6 KCHAPTER V - Card Wars
4 \0 s% D+ D: z/ y4 o( m4 A$ UUSER THIERRY: I have downloaded a copy of Star Wars on the Internet, it was
very exciting to do something illegal, expensive, time-consuming and silly.
! @& w4 Y) _3 |6 l3 S& A: XNow I'm going to watch it.
8 [! p/ j- X6 p  ^- lXV ZOMBIE PROCESS (back from the dead): Hey BIOS, do something for me. Put
the sound card on the same IRQ as the graphics card, will you ? We're going
. e' Q( J+ O# X" V% w' Hto have fun.
GRAPHICS CARD: BIOS, could you prepare my IRQ please, I have to display an
3 C% U3 @- n5 A  S0 o3 O8 r0 eillegal copy of Star Wars that my stupid user has downloaded on the Internet.
9 [% t) Q% `1 F/ H5 N9 J* `3 pBIOS: I'm sorry, Graphics card, but your IRQ is currently used by Sound card
" l5 o7 d8 [1 ^6 X4 z; Owho is playing the music of the same illegal copy of Star Wars. Can't you
. o; `$ u' I3 z3 O2 p+ n4 s( ]- X4 ?hear it ?
4 i& I' X2 p/ v  i2 n" K' n0 oGRAPHICS CARD: Oh, is it Star Wars ? It thought it was Indiana Jones or
. E' n% B) A: u$ W; L. Q! {" esomething. It's the same music anyway. So, what are you doing on my IRQ,
" l1 t$ d  k9 BSound card ?
SOUND CARD (singing):
I will keep the IRQ
I will not share it with you
  S( X( a$ J  l4 k, J9 F- P0 pYou must wait there in the queue
Till I give it back to...
GRAPHICS CARD (turning red): Listen, I'm an artist, I have the priority over
you. Give me this IRQ !
3 I$ m1 T+ {6 x, `+ g6 gSOUND CARD (shouting): Shut up, I'm trying to find a rhyme.
GRAPHICS CARD (switching to 16-million-color mode): I can't believe it. I'll
throw you out of your PCI slot !
' P& Q# I+ I5 Z. K5 {$ ][ strange noise inside the computer ]
. t0 ]8 d5 o0 W& r. tUSER THIERRY: qsfgegfdgfd^C^D^D^Hfyckmlklm
[ human voice, from the outside ] It's strange, the characters I type do not
- z% o7 g  B. v% L4 w7 X9 b3 Y, ^, Zappear any more, the screen is frozen !
SHELL PROCESS: I'm dying ! Argh.
INIT PROCESS: Hmm, I feel strange, I feel very strange. I'm tired, I'm very
tired. Let's go to bed. BIOS, please put me on hibernation mode, and don't
wake me up before weapproach Alpha Centauri.
  W8 q5 ^) \$ D6 y$ r" ?$ jUSER THIERRY: sfdqf [click] [plonk] [tluck]
/ H7 ^( E. l3 b8 i% n[ human voice, from the outside ] I can't believe it, I'll have to press the
Reset button again.
BIOS: I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
$ g- x4 g4 I$ l  C7 ^1 A[ human voice ] What ? Who spoke there ? My name is not Dave. Let's press
the button.
BIOS: I'm sorry Sucker, I'm afraid I can't... err...
Hmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
. X: }: [0 W( G: ]; q3 J(with an apology to Woody Allen, Stanley Kubrick and George Lucas).
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