幽默的英語電話留言 － 和老外電話

中國家庭並不常用電話答錄機（Answering Machine),但在北美家庭，幾乎家家都用。外來電話撥入時，若該電話號碼的主人不在，就會讓撥入者聽到一段留言，這叫Answer。絕大多數的 Answer都是千篇一律的：說明主人不在，請撥入者留下簡短信息及姓名電話號碼等。
5 F/ L# }5 j8 f: l* \, J以下幾則特別的 Answer 體現了美國佬的幽默，你能體會出其幽默所在嗎？
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My wife and I can『t come to the phone right now, but if you『ll leave your name and number, we『ll get back to you as soon as we『re finished.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn『t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don『t worry, I have plenty of money.

: A8 y  b8 e( B# q2 THi, I『m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
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" b% m! U3 i" }# A" X4 L/ yHi! John『s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I『ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.*（見注）

9 A* d* B% h+ K* R! j) OHello, this is Sally『s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I『m stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you『re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
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- I. N$ R" T" p" k! FHi. I am probably home. I『m just avoiding someone I don『t like. Leave me a message, and if I don『t call back, it『s you.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I『ll think about returning your call.
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Hi, this is George. I『m sorry I can『t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we『re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can『t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren『t home and it『s safe to leave us a message.
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1 K$ t) N- L6 I5 R2 xYou『re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
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5 w% P0 E2 y, q) qPlease leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

  W6 E0 Z& m. L8 a# B2 EHello, you『ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can『t pick up the phone right now, because we『re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we『re done brushing our teeth, we『ll get back to you.

4 v# d3 V$ d; A6 }3 P& X註釋：
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& b1 E0 w! k' w3 g& ubeep：主人的Answer講完以後，Answer Machine會發出一聲beep, 這時候來電話者就可以開始留言了。

magnet：磁鐵

* e5 m. k5 _! `, }1 Q*註：通常情況下，來電話者面對錄音講話都不太自然，所以語言往往很急促，三句兩句話就完了。這可苦壞了接聽留言的主人，聽多少遍都聽不清留言者到底是誰，講了些什麼。對於母語非英文的人，這種感覺會更深。所以，以下這兩段幽默乾脆就首先告訴電話撥入者，我的Answer Machine不好使，你且慢慢來。

: R: W7 p' L- o3 }elope：私奔

$ J: [) {- O0 R8 J. btub：浴盆

charity ：慈善團體
$ \. G1 Q- o2 otelepathic：心靈感應術

$ i! `# O) M8 I& ?7 ~* R7 ktone：與昨天對 beep 的註釋含義完全一樣，主人的Answer講完以後，Answer Machine會發出一聲beep, 這時候來電話者就可以開始留言了。
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. S) i  r0 X. t burglar：夜賊
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. p8 @9 W6 ?- E" Z6 I5 deyelids：眼皮

willpower ：毅力

feel helplessly compelled to：感到無助而被迫做某事

you have the right to remain silent：電影電視裡警察出示逮捕令時常講的一句話。西方社會講究人權，任何疑犯在未審判之前不得認為有罪，因而不能逼供、更不可拷打：他們有權保持沉默。